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only i would run away from everyone and everything i know and be like ?? why am i alone in a new country.
technically i'm not alone. i've met many people here-- great ones, wonderful ones, and sometimes i feel like crying because everyone here is so nice and i've forgotten what it's like to build relationships from the bottom up and not because they're someone who knows someone who knows someone i know.
also technically i'm not alone. technically i've never been less alone. i'm alone less than 10 hours in a whole week, i share a room with someone, and i've had this mortifying idea that if i don't make plans every single day that i'm a loser who didn't seize the opportunity.
i think this kind of stems from the fact that when i moved from the bay to [redacted] university i never really got the opportunity to make a lot of new friends. most of my friends were people i had known since high school, sans like five, six people at most. i hadn't really met new people in so long. i was so comfortable and stagnant. i hated it. i distinctly remember telling myself next year, you still have next year. and then we all know how the story goes. a global pandemic hits, and nothing really changes.
there is a point to all of this, by the way. i guess my point is, this was always more than traveling which is something i've always loved doing. it was always more about experiences that home couldn't offer. it was always more than changing my physical environment. it was about meeting new people and finally doing something by myself. for someone who pretends to be brave, i'm not. not really. i don't like going to things unless my best friend(s) is/are coming, i didn't like new experiences without people i had truly cared about coming with me to share the precious memory.
and yet here i was. every day was a new experience with people i've known for a month or less.
it's been hard. sometimes i want to cry but i can't because i'm never by myself. and when i am by myself there is always someone outside, walking by, able to see you. the bathroom in my dorm room echoes, and every little sound is heard. so i've not really had an opportunity to have a good cry that i need. my eyes water, and i sniffle-- once, twice-- and then i'm swallowing it down like nothing happened.
and i'm not sad, not even close. i actually don't think i've been happy like this in a long time. no, i think i'm just overwhelmed. anxiety gets you like that. never really gone, sometimes just gives you a break.
so maybe it's been hard, but it's been good. enough with the melancholia for a bit. i've been so happy. so so happy. being overwhelmed is silly like that. sometimes i'm so happy i feel like crying.
people here are so nice. the good thing about meeting new people who has never heard a thing about you before is the fact that you're a blank slate to them. things about you that people back home have grown used to are completely new to everyone you meet.
the other day i was having a picnic with my friend by the river, and she just starts laughing. a sort of giggle. i turned to look at her and said what? and she shook her head and said, i love the way you look when your face is just resting. your mouth has a sort of natural downturn. it looks so cute.
i stared at her for a moment and then just started crying. not even a cute cry. the type of wail that's embarrassing for a twenty-one year old to have. hell, it would've been embarrassing even for a seven year old. especially in public. what she doesn't know is that my resting face is my most insecure thing about my face. the downturn of my mouth makes me look upset, and when i have time to put on makeup, i purposely draw the corners of my mouth upwards in an attempt to fix it.
i don't remember the last time someone had noticed something small like that about me. learning things about me. i'm so used to already being known inside out. and truth be told, i don't really like it-- don't really like feeling so seen. people love to make jokes about me saying don't perceive me! because i say it so much. but this time, i feel so happy. i feel so warm, i feel loved by these people i've known for only a month.
the other day i was having dinner with another friend and i was telling a story and my friend was looking at me so... deeply. i thought there was something on my face, but i kept going because i didn't want to lose my train of thought.
and then,
her: i'm sorry to interrupt--
me: oh it's okay, there's something on my face?
her: no, i'm just.. you're really pretty! especially when you get excited like this.
god, do i sound compliment-starved? i'm really not trying to make it seem like i've never heard a compliment in my life and i'm savouring every small one i get here. i just... meeting people was what i was most nervous about. not really about the place, i've been to korea before. not really about the language, i know enough to get around, and the natives are sweet. no, i was most nervous about never finding a friend. i cried about it to everyone back home, hell, niña even gave me a tarot reading and told me i had to seize the opportunity of meeting all these new people and i cried in her dms about how i'm scared i'll never connect with anyone here.
but everyone here has been so nice, so kind, and i feel safe. i go out to drink and i know i'm going to be well taken care of by the people i came with. cars here are ruthless, and sometimes a friend will pull on my elbow when a car gets close. my roommate sat with me outside for an hour while i was wasted at 1am even if she was freezing and tired because i was going to throw up if i moved.
i don't want to diminish the effort i've put in either. i've tried to grab every opportunity i can (maybe even too much, sometimes i feel burnt out and want to hide under the covers). but these days, when i see the opportunity, i reach out and hold it tight. so tight that even when i let go, i feel like it's left a burn in my palm.
not going to lie, there's been some misses with people i've met-- we just didn't vibe, didn't have similar interests--, but there's been a lot of good ones.
i feel happy looking back and thinking about when my polite laughs turned into real ones. when i meet someone for the first time in the morning and i'm afraid to even bump into them, and by the time we're on the way home i'm putting my head on their shoulder. when i text them something because i saw something and thought of them, or when they drag me inside a store because they saw a bag with a bear and, janis you love bears!
when they tell me things like, i've gone to kbbq with a lot of people, but i like it with you the most because you grill the meat for us.
sometimes my chest feels so heavy because i've forgotten what it's like to create new bonds from the beginning. and god is it scary, but is it good. something about the journey and not the destination, yada, yada yada.
sometimes i get so scared i'll fuck something up, that i like some people's company more than they like mine. that they have some type of contrived idea about me before we met, and i just didn't meet their expectations. that i'm not as funny as they expected, not as pretty, not as full of energy. i'm still learning to get through that, btw, so i'll update you guys. but at least i'm working through not being so negative all the time. i don't sit and wallow so much anymore, can you believe that? maybe because i haven't had the time.
but i like to think give myself more credit than that (do i deserve it? i'll let u know...)
my next post will probably be a more general ~abroad post. the places i've gone, the food i've eaten, the things i've experienced. but i felt like the people i've met deserved their own special entry! it's been a good month. it's been a good life.
technically i'm not alone. i've met many people here-- great ones, wonderful ones, and sometimes i feel like crying because everyone here is so nice and i've forgotten what it's like to build relationships from the bottom up and not because they're someone who knows someone who knows someone i know.
also technically i'm not alone. technically i've never been less alone. i'm alone less than 10 hours in a whole week, i share a room with someone, and i've had this mortifying idea that if i don't make plans every single day that i'm a loser who didn't seize the opportunity.
i think this kind of stems from the fact that when i moved from the bay to [redacted] university i never really got the opportunity to make a lot of new friends. most of my friends were people i had known since high school, sans like five, six people at most. i hadn't really met new people in so long. i was so comfortable and stagnant. i hated it. i distinctly remember telling myself next year, you still have next year. and then we all know how the story goes. a global pandemic hits, and nothing really changes.
there is a point to all of this, by the way. i guess my point is, this was always more than traveling which is something i've always loved doing. it was always more about experiences that home couldn't offer. it was always more than changing my physical environment. it was about meeting new people and finally doing something by myself. for someone who pretends to be brave, i'm not. not really. i don't like going to things unless my best friend(s) is/are coming, i didn't like new experiences without people i had truly cared about coming with me to share the precious memory.
and yet here i was. every day was a new experience with people i've known for a month or less.
it's been hard. sometimes i want to cry but i can't because i'm never by myself. and when i am by myself there is always someone outside, walking by, able to see you. the bathroom in my dorm room echoes, and every little sound is heard. so i've not really had an opportunity to have a good cry that i need. my eyes water, and i sniffle-- once, twice-- and then i'm swallowing it down like nothing happened.
and i'm not sad, not even close. i actually don't think i've been happy like this in a long time. no, i think i'm just overwhelmed. anxiety gets you like that. never really gone, sometimes just gives you a break.
so maybe it's been hard, but it's been good. enough with the melancholia for a bit. i've been so happy. so so happy. being overwhelmed is silly like that. sometimes i'm so happy i feel like crying.
people here are so nice. the good thing about meeting new people who has never heard a thing about you before is the fact that you're a blank slate to them. things about you that people back home have grown used to are completely new to everyone you meet.
the other day i was having a picnic with my friend by the river, and she just starts laughing. a sort of giggle. i turned to look at her and said what? and she shook her head and said, i love the way you look when your face is just resting. your mouth has a sort of natural downturn. it looks so cute.
i stared at her for a moment and then just started crying. not even a cute cry. the type of wail that's embarrassing for a twenty-one year old to have. hell, it would've been embarrassing even for a seven year old. especially in public. what she doesn't know is that my resting face is my most insecure thing about my face. the downturn of my mouth makes me look upset, and when i have time to put on makeup, i purposely draw the corners of my mouth upwards in an attempt to fix it.
i don't remember the last time someone had noticed something small like that about me. learning things about me. i'm so used to already being known inside out. and truth be told, i don't really like it-- don't really like feeling so seen. people love to make jokes about me saying don't perceive me! because i say it so much. but this time, i feel so happy. i feel so warm, i feel loved by these people i've known for only a month.
the other day i was having dinner with another friend and i was telling a story and my friend was looking at me so... deeply. i thought there was something on my face, but i kept going because i didn't want to lose my train of thought.
and then,
her: i'm sorry to interrupt--
me: oh it's okay, there's something on my face?
her: no, i'm just.. you're really pretty! especially when you get excited like this.
god, do i sound compliment-starved? i'm really not trying to make it seem like i've never heard a compliment in my life and i'm savouring every small one i get here. i just... meeting people was what i was most nervous about. not really about the place, i've been to korea before. not really about the language, i know enough to get around, and the natives are sweet. no, i was most nervous about never finding a friend. i cried about it to everyone back home, hell, niña even gave me a tarot reading and told me i had to seize the opportunity of meeting all these new people and i cried in her dms about how i'm scared i'll never connect with anyone here.
but everyone here has been so nice, so kind, and i feel safe. i go out to drink and i know i'm going to be well taken care of by the people i came with. cars here are ruthless, and sometimes a friend will pull on my elbow when a car gets close. my roommate sat with me outside for an hour while i was wasted at 1am even if she was freezing and tired because i was going to throw up if i moved.
i don't want to diminish the effort i've put in either. i've tried to grab every opportunity i can (maybe even too much, sometimes i feel burnt out and want to hide under the covers). but these days, when i see the opportunity, i reach out and hold it tight. so tight that even when i let go, i feel like it's left a burn in my palm.
not going to lie, there's been some misses with people i've met-- we just didn't vibe, didn't have similar interests--, but there's been a lot of good ones.
i feel happy looking back and thinking about when my polite laughs turned into real ones. when i meet someone for the first time in the morning and i'm afraid to even bump into them, and by the time we're on the way home i'm putting my head on their shoulder. when i text them something because i saw something and thought of them, or when they drag me inside a store because they saw a bag with a bear and, janis you love bears!
when they tell me things like, i've gone to kbbq with a lot of people, but i like it with you the most because you grill the meat for us.
sometimes my chest feels so heavy because i've forgotten what it's like to create new bonds from the beginning. and god is it scary, but is it good. something about the journey and not the destination, yada, yada yada.
sometimes i get so scared i'll fuck something up, that i like some people's company more than they like mine. that they have some type of contrived idea about me before we met, and i just didn't meet their expectations. that i'm not as funny as they expected, not as pretty, not as full of energy. i'm still learning to get through that, btw, so i'll update you guys. but at least i'm working through not being so negative all the time. i don't sit and wallow so much anymore, can you believe that? maybe because i haven't had the time.
but i like to think give myself more credit than that (do i deserve it? i'll let u know...)
my next post will probably be a more general ~abroad post. the places i've gone, the food i've eaten, the things i've experienced. but i felt like the people i've met deserved their own special entry! it's been a good month. it's been a good life.
